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How to find questionable parenting advice on WikiHow

We’re not the first to notice that WikiHow is a treasure trove for those who appreciate absurd humor: it’s full of instructions for activities no one would conceivably do, overly detailed instructions for everyday activities, and truly awful clip-art.

Today, though, we’re addressing the articles on this site that are of the most use to our audience: the ones on babies and parenting. Hopefully you’ll enjoy their oddball charm as much as we did.

 

How To React To An Ugly Baby

There is no such thing as an ugly baby, WikiHow! We are disappointed in you.

With that said, lying by omission does seem like a solid strategy.

uglybaby

How To Have Popular Kids

If only it was as simple as “Follow the simple steps below and you’ll have a happy child that loves school and has many friends.” Also: why not let a girl play football, or let a boy study dance, if that’s what they want to do?

 

How to Prepare a Baby Nursery for a Newborn Baby’s Arrival

Now this is a puzzler: how do you choose a room in the average house that “tends to have the warmest warmth in the house, yet is slightly away from all other action from nearby passer-bys, yet still is close enough to the parents that they can get to the child within a few seconds”?

And, why do you need to hide an “extra pacifier in an un-seen area that couldn’t be visible to the child”? And why do you need to hide the baby monitor from your child? Are newborns worried about surveillance?

Also, wall-to-wall carpeting is not always the best idea, and the picture they chose to endorse wall-to-wall carpet really makes the idea unappealing.

Goodbye-Carpet!

 

How To Be Cool Around Your Kids

Best read aloud very fast in a teenage Valley Girl voice:

“Cool does not mean the whole rapper outfit. For example, instead of wearing your floral shorts and your old, torn up “The Monkees” shirt, or trying to dress like a rapper with baggy shirts, falling off your butt jeans and a gangster hat, wear nice, darker dress shoes, darker, well fitting jeans and a plain white dress shirt if your a father. If you’re a mother, try cute flats or cute high heels (Just don’t wear hooker boots), flattering jeans (Any color, and, if you can pull them off, skinny jeans) for your body, a nice, fun-but-stylish-and-mature shirt (Pick a color that compliments your hair color, eye color, skin color etc.), and maybe a cute necklace and/or a bracelet. Hair doesn’t really matter, just have a clean but fun, stylish cut, with a nice colour (In other words, not a strange color. Either dye it an average color, or let it be natural) so that, all in all, you are stylish. Those outfits are cool and stylish. You can be stylish and mature at the same time. Don’t wear high socks or short shorts. You don’t want to embarrass your child when you drive him or her to school.”

 

How To Be Respected As A Father

The idea of laughing off a fistfight of this magnitude is worrisome to say the least.

laughing fistfight

 

How To Be A Normal Dad

One gets the sense that the person who wrote this is directly addressing their actual embarrassing dad, especially when they say “Don’t talk about letting one off or doing a number two in public.”

 

How To Rear A Nice Child

This one just rides off the rails at full speed when it hits step 2. Just who is it who needs to be told not to dangle babies by their arms? The dismaying predictions for kids who don’t get enough attention are also a bit over the top.

 

How To Take A Stroller On An Escalator

First of all, it’s probably better to take an elevator if you can find one. Second of all, this appears to be a pram-style setup where the baby wouldn’t be harnessed in, and so looking at the pictures is not only confusing but is making me really worried about the baby rattling around in there.

questionable escalator

 

How To Adopt A Father

Something seems fishy about this.

 

How To Choose A Unique Name

We do not endorse attempting to contact JK Rowling for baby-naming advice.

 

How To Raise A Gentleman

There’s nothing egregious in the article, but the artwork depicting the child as a disturbing mini-me of the father is just fascinating. Frankly, I tuned out what was in the article after a while and just looked at the pictures.

minime

 

How To Be A Punk Rock Parent

Solid advice: “Be careful to avoid wearing anything that could harm a child. Accidentally knocking your baby with a stud wristband while wrestling with the diapers on the change table is not a good outcome.”

 

How To Train Your Cat To Enjoy A Pet Stroller

Just don’t.

 

How to Be a Cool Aunt or Uncle Without Alienating Your Niece or Nephew’s Parents
Also, don’t be this guy.

dontbethisguy

 

 

 

Finally, here’s some advice we hope you never have to use:

How To Deliver A Baby

How To Find Out If You Have A Child You Don’t Know About

 

consultation button

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